Guess who's winning?
I am trying desperately to get myself into a good "wedding weight". I have been working out diligently, hitting the gym 4-5 times per week (except for the 2 weeks when I had a terrible cold and didn't want to pass germs onto the pretty, skinny, spandex-clad...wait a minute. What was my motivation again?) I have been eating lettuce, getting lots of fibre, eating plenty of fruits and veggies. And...nothing. I have lost a total of 8 pounds in 2 months.
Unacceptable.
So, I did what any non-stubborn, rational, healthy, clever woman would do. I bought a bottle of SlimQuick™ 7-Day Gentle Cleanse Pills.
I am on Day One. Here's what I've learned so far about jump-starting your metabolism, SlimQuick™ style:
1. The directions tell you to take 4 pills before lunch, and then another 4 before dinner. They advise drinking LOTS of water, or risk the pills swelling, lodging in your throat and becoming a choking hazard. A selling point if you're trying to cut calories, but really bad for ordinary, every day tasks such as breathing. This was a point I missed while skimming over the directions at the drugstore. Hey, I was on my way to the lip gloss aisle.
2. SlimQuick™ is advertised as "6 ways to jump start healthy weight loss". A more accurate description is "6 ways to have an apocalyptic bowel movement - 2 of which do not include your bowels."
3. Apparently, SlimQuick™ is "designed for women." Yeah, like Brazilians, porn, Botox™ and genital mutilation.
There will be no Day 2. Big.Fail.For.Pills.
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